London’s burning, if you haven’t noticed—rioting and looting nightly. With the police slow to respond, it’s time to defend your house and home from Hackney hooligans. These 11 tools will ensure they don’t step foot on your property.
NextBolt NX3 Fingerprint Door Lock With Deadbolt
When you’ve got a legion of pissed off mobsters chasing you up your driveway, the last thing you want (besides a legion of pissed off mobsters chasing you up your driveway) is to have to fumble with your keys when you get to the door. With the NextBolt NX3, you just pull the cover up, swipe a digit and — boom — easy entry. It also includes a high pitched alarm to let you know that said legion has kicked in said door (note to self — buy stronger door).
Hoyos Eyelock USB Iris scanner
Using passwords alone in high-security situations is a terrible idea. You know it, I know, the President of the USA knows it. So when you’re trying to prevent unauthorized access to all those mob accounting documents you stole, you’ll have to do better than “password”. The Hoyos Eyelock uses your iris as your access token. The iris is much harder to spoof than fingerprints and much harder to crack than a password (because it’s your EYES).
Victorinox 16GB Secure
So you’ve accessed your system and collected the files you need, where do you download them to? If you value the squishy parts of your anatomy, you’ll put them on a Victorinox 16GB Secure USB thumb drive. It’s got a fingerprint reader that measures the amount of oxygen in your blood so disembodied fingers won’t work, and uses proprietary data encryption tech (both hardware and software) that makes it impenetrable to known hacking techniques.
ThermoVision A320 Infrared Camera
Normal security cameras have one obvious flaw: they don’t work against ninjas. The ThermoVision A320 does. It sees in infrared so unless said ninjas are zombies as well, their body heat will give them away.
Do you leave your front door wide open when you leave your house? Of course not, there are some very dangerous people after you. Then why do you leave your home network unprotected? ZoneAlarm Firewall software will lock your system down tighter than your head in that vice grip Vinny’s going to put you in.
Gaffco Safe Room
If you’ve run out of options that involve you escaping, duck into a safe room to take a breather and think things through. The Gaffco Safe Room is custom-designed to your specific needs and range from simple security sheds to opulent panic rooms that would put Jodie Foster to shame.
Electrochromic Privacy Glass
Good God, just how dumb is you? First you talk to the Feds — very bad call, by the way — then you installs electro chromic privacy glass on your panic room?! Sure, it becomes opaque when you introduce an electric charge to the glass, but god god man it’s not bulletproof!
Hidden Wall Clock Camera
No need for infrared indoors as ninjas can’t enter a home without an invitation — or was that vampires? Either way, subtlety is more appropriate for interior security. This hidden wall clock camera works in near pitch-black darkness (min .003 Lux) and sends signal using an included 2.4GHz transmitter.
Barrier1 Vehicle Arrestor
Deadbolts and slider chains are all well and good until somebody drives a truck through the front of your house. The Barrier1 Vehicle Arrestor will stop a 6800kg truck cold.
CamoSystems Broad-Leaf Ultra-Lite Net
Swaddle your home in camo netting. If it’s good enough to fool ducks, it’ll likely trick a mobster or two.
A moat? Yes, a motherf**king moat. Just add water. And piranha — they’re the mobster’s natural predator.